Monday, May 12, 2014

Whats the point? #compromise

I feel lately, that my life is a rollercoaster ride, that I am terrified to be on, but have to wait for it to stop spiraling out of control. When will it ever come to a rest. Relationships are so complicated. I wish I had a rewind button. If I had the money- I'd get in my car and drive to infinity. Sometimes I wonder why I make these bad choices that I make. It's like I am glutton for punishment. Maybe thats TMI, but maybe I just need to vent.

If you truly love someone, then you wouldn't be selfish right? I have a new relationship. It started out so beautifully. I fell in love. But the harder I fell for him, the more he took advantage of my love.

Whatever happened to compromise? I need a mate who is less selfish. Usually in a relationship, the men that I choose bend over backwards to make me happy. Yet with this guy, it almost feels like hes bending over backwards to NOT give e my way. It doesnt seem to matter what I want, or need-- its always "no". But when he wants somehting, I jump up and do it- even when I dont want to. How is that fair to me?
His actions everyday make me love him a little less. I've tried to talk to him about it, but again- his selfishness seems to have no limits.

Its super stressful, and makes me think I need to get rid of him.

 There's only so much one person can take. My life may appear all beautiful roses on the outside, but the roses are thorny and painful if you hold them too long. I have some "thorns" in my life right now, and desperatley need to figure out what I am doing with myself.

Here this boy is, telling me how much he "loves me" but if he did- the things that I want would matter more, no?

This past week, I was involved in a DV situation w him. We got into an arguement because his mother meddles in our relationship. The fight escalated to him breaking my kitchen chair into matchsticks. Then, he spit in my face. So I got my Blackberry BOLD ($500) to take a picture of my shattered kitchen chair. At that point, he snatched my pphone from my hand, and broke it into the kitchen floor. I was angry, so I went to grab his guitar to break it. Turnabout is fair play right? Apparently not. He grabbed me, threw me on the ground and proceeded to starngle me. I couldn't breathe, or even SPEAK for about 60 seconds. My life literally flashed before my eyes. I thought- well this it. Im about to die on my bedroom floor at the hands of a man -- scracth that, a BOY. I will NEVER forget the look in his eyes. Pure hatred. Of course alcholol was involved. He was extremely intoxicated...  not that that excuses it. And of COURSE hes SOOOOOOOOO  "sorry"..
When his mother who lives acrosds tyhe street, and is the source of 99.9% of our problems) called the police because he had scrathes on his neck, I guess they thought I was going to go to jail. I guess they thought wrong.

When he let me go (and thank god he did) I jumped up, panicing, I snatc hed my sleeping children from their beds, and fled my house- running for my LIFE.

When the police got here, they told me that strangling someone is a felony, But on his 4th day in jail at more in depth interviews, they said the case would be "un-winnable" in court, because I had picked up his guitar with the intent to break it. So basically Alabama law says that since I was going to break his guitar that its ok for him to strangle me with no legal reprecussions whatsoever.

Does that make sense to anyone? Bc it doesnt make any sense to me. At all.

How can you love someone and try to kill them? Will he kill me next time?


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