Monday, May 12, 2014

Whats the point? #compromise

I feel lately, that my life is a rollercoaster ride, that I am terrified to be on, but have to wait for it to stop spiraling out of control. When will it ever come to a rest. Relationships are so complicated. I wish I had a rewind button. If I had the money- I'd get in my car and drive to infinity. Sometimes I wonder why I make these bad choices that I make. It's like I am glutton for punishment. Maybe thats TMI, but maybe I just need to vent.

If you truly love someone, then you wouldn't be selfish right? I have a new relationship. It started out so beautifully. I fell in love. But the harder I fell for him, the more he took advantage of my love.

Whatever happened to compromise? I need a mate who is less selfish. Usually in a relationship, the men that I choose bend over backwards to make me happy. Yet with this guy, it almost feels like hes bending over backwards to NOT give e my way. It doesnt seem to matter what I want, or need-- its always "no". But when he wants somehting, I jump up and do it- even when I dont want to. How is that fair to me?
His actions everyday make me love him a little less. I've tried to talk to him about it, but again- his selfishness seems to have no limits.

Its super stressful, and makes me think I need to get rid of him.

 There's only so much one person can take. My life may appear all beautiful roses on the outside, but the roses are thorny and painful if you hold them too long. I have some "thorns" in my life right now, and desperatley need to figure out what I am doing with myself.

Here this boy is, telling me how much he "loves me" but if he did- the things that I want would matter more, no?

This past week, I was involved in a DV situation w him. We got into an arguement because his mother meddles in our relationship. The fight escalated to him breaking my kitchen chair into matchsticks. Then, he spit in my face. So I got my Blackberry BOLD ($500) to take a picture of my shattered kitchen chair. At that point, he snatched my pphone from my hand, and broke it into the kitchen floor. I was angry, so I went to grab his guitar to break it. Turnabout is fair play right? Apparently not. He grabbed me, threw me on the ground and proceeded to starngle me. I couldn't breathe, or even SPEAK for about 60 seconds. My life literally flashed before my eyes. I thought- well this it. Im about to die on my bedroom floor at the hands of a man -- scracth that, a BOY. I will NEVER forget the look in his eyes. Pure hatred. Of course alcholol was involved. He was extremely intoxicated...  not that that excuses it. And of COURSE hes SOOOOOOOOO  "sorry"..
When his mother who lives acrosds tyhe street, and is the source of 99.9% of our problems) called the police because he had scrathes on his neck, I guess they thought I was going to go to jail. I guess they thought wrong.

When he let me go (and thank god he did) I jumped up, panicing, I snatc hed my sleeping children from their beds, and fled my house- running for my LIFE.

When the police got here, they told me that strangling someone is a felony, But on his 4th day in jail at more in depth interviews, they said the case would be "un-winnable" in court, because I had picked up his guitar with the intent to break it. So basically Alabama law says that since I was going to break his guitar that its ok for him to strangle me with no legal reprecussions whatsoever.

Does that make sense to anyone? Bc it doesnt make any sense to me. At all.

How can you love someone and try to kill them? Will he kill me next time?

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Tell the Devil I sad hey when you get back to where you're from....

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress
'Cause you just did the impossible, gained my trust

Don't play games, it'd be dangerous if you fuck me over
'Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
'Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is evol, spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion whatsoever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' ho's

Blood suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this?
I've tried in this department, but I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks, but it's exactly what I thought it would be
Like tryin' to start over

I've got a hole in my heart for some kind of emotional roller coaster
Somethin' I won't go on, so you toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, I wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't, with you I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same?

You want 'em when they don't want you
Soon as they do, feelings change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate

But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take?
Let's cut to the chase
'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake

So after some months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much, it hurts, never mistreated you once
I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms

Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin'
Til' I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick

Ain't a possible reason I can think of
To let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks, then I let you go and just give
And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this

And I would've did anything for you to show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our love
Just promise me you'll think of me
Every time you look up in the sky and see a star 'cuz I'm a

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you
250,000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you, without you, without you

Eminem - Space Bound [Official Music Video] by Adwiin-Music

 Eminem - Space Bound Lyrics | MetroLyrics